I’ve been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for over a year now. It’s been an amazing ride so far. I am truly lucky and grateful to wake up to her each and every morning. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be in this position if it wasn’t for the dating advice community. If you put the work in, the body of shared information in this community can change your life like you wouldn’t believe. I’m a living breathing example. Yet, once I actually got myself into a relationship, I made a conscious effort not to take anymore advice from the community. Neil Strauss talked about this dilemma in The Game, how pickup gurus are amazing at teaching guys how to get girlfriends, but stand clueless on actually keeping one. A scary fact is that most of the figure heads in the pickup community have a difficult time maintaing long-term relationships. Don’t get me wrong, most of them are amazing men who consciously chose to walk away from their relationships, but either way this didn’t sit well with me. My overarching goal when I entered the community wasn’t to be the three-some master, or to have a rotation of 10+ girls, it was to ultimately find a long-term partner.

• Find a Wife

For this reason, I’ve turned towards “relationship experts” opposed to “pickup experts” for advice. A book I recently read is the New York Times Bestselling, 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Although marketed towards married couples, everything in this book applies to non-married couples as well. Props to Tynan for the recommendation. The reason I like Gottman opposed to the barrage of “relationship experts” out there is his scientific approach on the subject. Opposed to most relationship experts who derive most of their principles based off their own subjective opinion on relationships, Gottman backwards-engineered his principles by studying what was working for successful couples in the real world. He learned what the most common elements were that held these couples together and built his philosophy around these findings.

• Girls Contacts

One of the biggest take-aways from this book were the elements that caused most relationships to fall apart in the first place, which he’s coined the “four horseman.” These are: Criticism – Personal attacks on your partner opposed to complaints towards a specific action. Say you’re girlfriend doesn’t doesn’t wash the dishes. Instead of saying “Hey your forgot to do the dishes, you said you would!” you make an attack to her as a person by saying “You’re so forgetful. I can’t trust you with anything!” Contempt – Gottman described this as the most deadly of the 4 horseman. Contempt is the feeling that your partner is worthless and beneath you. This stems from long-standing negative thoughts towards your partner. Basically, criticism over the long-term leads to contempt. Defensiveness – Once a partner feels attacked, their gut reaction is NOT to listen with a rational head, yet to passionately defend themselves. To go back on the dish washing example, your girlfriend’s gut reaction might be to say “Well maybe I would have time to clean the dishes, but I was too busy cleaning up your mess you left in the bathroom.” Even if the criticism towards her may be somewhat true, their mind won’t process it and immediately defend themselves. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction Defensiveness is dangerous because instead of diffusing the situation, it only escalates it even further. Stonewalling – Once the first 3 Horseman get out of control, one of the partners simply tunes out (usually the guy). He can’t stand the arguing so he disengages from the situation and sits passively, not caring what happens. Whatever the Boston woman says to him, it’s in one ear, out the other.

• Boston Ladies Talk

The bulk of the books goes into detail about the 7 elements of a successful relationship. Here’s a quick overview of what they (I’ll break down principle 3 and 4 a bit further): 1. Enhance Love Maps (explore your partners world – learn about their goals, fears, insecurities, dreams & aspirations etc.) 2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration (continue feeling respect for one another, respecting the differences between the two of you) 3. Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away (keeping the connection & romance alive) A big “ah-ha” I got after reading this book was is it painted an accurate picture of what connection and romance really is about in a long term relationship. We see Hollywood movies like “The Notebook” where the romance between the main characters is so intense it gives us goosbumps down our spine. We’ll watch them look romantically into each others eyes, as the lay on rose pedals by the fireside and think to ourselves “Wow… That’s beautiful… Now THAT is what romance is all about.”

• Loveawake Massachusetts

Gottman is a psychologist for the University of Washington, where he did the bulk of his research. As part of his studies, 49 randomly selected couples stayed overnight in a fabricated apartment known as the “love lab.” He instructed these couples to act as natural as possible while cameras, psychologists behind one-way mirrors, and attached heart-rate monitors tracked their every move. This research has gotten him to the point where he can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will stay together or split after listening to them interact for only 5 minutes. Based of this fact alone, this book was worth a read…

• Boston Women Seeking Men